Faith - what all does it have to cover to count?

Can you have steady faith in God, His sovereignty, His plan and His will, and still be doubtful and fearful? I lost all faith in myself to hear God's voice, discern His will (besides the obvious like "do not kill") and I wasn't sure what was happening. Not sure is an understatement. Retained hope in the promise of salvation, lost all hope in my desires matching up with His plan, but I still wanted to be in His will, even if it meant nothing I'd hoped for our future on Earth worked out the way I'd hoped. God please keep me in your will, even if I whine and cry and complain, just please keep me moving in Your direction, even if I degenerate to kicking and screaming, please please Love me past my tantrum, and keep me within Your perfect will. Because I have faith that's the best place to be, even if I feel like I'm drowning. Keep me on your rollercoaster despite my loud complaining about my fear of heights. I thought You said You would give us the desires of our hearts, and don't worry, I always took that with a grain of salt, that as we spent time with You, You would purify our desires until we want what You want. I thought these things I've been hoping for were holy desires, desires to serve You and others in particular ways. But it seems that maybe those ways aren't the ways You had in mind. I feel like my path is dark and my eyes are straining to see that "lamp unto my feet". Just hold me tightly right now God. Thank You.

Working out our salvation...

with fear and trembling. I am beginning to understand what the Biblical term "Prince of the Air" means on a personal level. Some days, just making it to the end of the day with my Christianity in tact is fighting the good fight. I am Calvinistic in my beliefs. That is, I believe we are unconditionally saved, among other things. So I wondered about the meaning of working out our salvation. Philippians 2:12 per Google search. There is so much darkness in the world, so much pain, blindness, deafness, and the Saints are left here on earth to be lights. Like a tiny Christmas light in a cave sometimes I guess. Do you have days when you reflect on your beliefs and wonder if you latched on to the wrong thing? I don't mean wondering whether Christ is who He claims to be, but perhaps where you went wrong in your other beliefs about God's character and to what level He is involved in our lives? That's where I am right now. I wish there was a neat workbook for this "working out" of our salvation. 12 steps to a stage of never having doubts again.

Weekend outing

While Derek stayed home and watched Nascar and put together crab cakes for dinner tonight, Maddie and I had girl time Sunday afternoon. We

went to Yepez Vineyard in Baytown, TX and listened to live music for a couple of hours. The weather was warm so the big french doors were open and they had huge windows. The volume was turned down to a pleasant level since we were all inside. The wine was good, the music was fun, the setting was lovely. Maddie was popular of course. I can't wait to go back and do it again.

Maddie is still awake. Not only awake but in a good mood. She's been up for 5.5 hours now. Maybe she really enjoyed the music too.

Looking towards another week at work. Will try to get to bed at a decent hour tonight.

Love to all,

shannon

Well, it has been over a month since I last blogged! Why the absence? One work - ExxonMobil. Going back to work full time made me seriously pare down unneccessary activities, and since spending time with Derek and Maddie, bathing and sleep are now daily necessities, blogging got lost somewhere with cooking meals and doing laundry. Honestly, not much has been missed in the last month because I haven't been doing anything but working. Probably the big thing to catch up on is that we started giving Maddie a little cereal. We give it to her, doesn't mean she takes it. So far, it has all ended up down her chin. I think maybe this last time we got 1 swallow, but that may have just been saliva. I have some video, but I haven't learned how to post it yet.

Other activities this month - the annual work group party. Maddie and I went. It was at the Aquarium in Kemah. Everyone loved Maddie and wanted to hold her. A couple of experienced moms wouldn't take no for an answer, which was sweet because they wanted to give me a chance to have a meal without having to hold her. Then there's was Maya's 1 yr Birthday party! Unfortunately I didn't realize how important it was to Maya's daddy and didn't dress for the occasion. I hope I didn't offend him. He seems too laid back to be offended by that, but still.

Maya in her party dress and her grandad -

Today though, there is something to blog about - Maddie's first trip to church! We went to FBC Baytown, of course. My sister teases me about always going to the Baptist church, but my argument is that when I move to a new place, I want to get plugged into a church as fast as possible, so sticking with the FBC's where I know the doctrine and style of worship makes it easy. Maybe when Derek and I land in our "forever" home we'll shop around a little more. But for now while we still don't have roots, it's nice to have the constancy of FBC.

The pictures:

Maddie's 3mo party, her new (temporary) home, Derek's graduation

It's not in the title, but I have to start with this picture I took in Baytown, TX when Derek and I were looking for our new apartment:

Ok so it must be made for that very purpose but it sure doesn't look very safe!

Maddie turned 3 months on December 10th! Her daddy was out of town but the two of us celebrated by going to Christmas in the park the following Friday. This is a... what's the word.... party (?) that the city of College Station puts on. The local kids groups (choirs, dance studios, etc.) come out and perform, they serve hot chocolate and cookies, and they do a hay ride through lots of Christmas lights. With Maddie in the Bjorn, I should have taken a mirror so I could see her expression. The only way I managed it was to snap pics with my camera then look at them. I did go check her in the bathroom mirror when she stopped moving. Maddie found it all very exciting as you can tell from the picture I took of us:

Here are some other pictures from the event:

Last Friday, Derek and I moved a UHaul truck's worth from College Station to Baytown with the incredible help of my parents. I took a couple of pictures of the new place before it got crowded with boxes:

It's right by the Refinery so it'll be a quick drive home at lunch to feed Maddie in the middle of the day, and I shouldn't ever get stuck in traffic which would be all the more frustrating because it would be taking away Maddie time. As much as I don't like living in Baytown, she's totally worth it.

Finally, Derek was hooded last Saturday (19th)! It was a fairly quick ceremony since it was December. Maddie took a bottle half way through and sat on my lap for the last half. Derek's mom, stepdad and sister Amanda made the trip down from Kentucky. They only stayed one night before driving back. Pretty amazing since the drive is about 14 hours. My folks were still there of course, and one of Derek's friends drove up from Houston.

We're all proud of him and so glad he's got that diploma!

Bedding, Bottles and Baby Bottoms

Bedding: Derek and I purchased a changing table, crib and all the associated bedding while in Kentucky visiting family a few weeks ago. I remembered to get a picture of the table in time to post it, but the crib was taken apart for traveling before I caught it. Well, it has been reassembled, so here's the pic:

She hasn't started sleeping here yet (so don't worry about the loose bumper ties) because it is upstairs. As long as she'll fit in the bassinet downstairs, I'll use that to minimize the trips up and down the stairs.

Bottles: We attempted to give Maddie her first bottle last weekend. We've always heard this can be a difficult transition for baby, so we wanted to attack it early. I go back to work Dec 28, and Maddie needs to be a bottle pro for Derek. We put a couple of ounces in a bottle and the result? (Drum roll please....) complete success! Maddie reclined, took the bottle and finished every drop in about 10 minutes.

(Mom's voice over for Maddie: "Gee guys, this is the best passy ever!")

Lastly, baby bottoms - Several people know that we're using cloth diapers. We invested in bumgenius one size diapers right before Maddie made her grand appearance. I was very very skeptical. Derek had to talk me into this, but I have to say it hasn't been bad. Have we had leaks? yes, but honestly no more than we had with disposables (We used disposables for the first few weeks (umbilical cord), and then the 3 weeks we were in MS / KY visiting family.) Yes it's gross, but we're parents now, we have to be able to handle gross. There are only two real drawbacks in my mind - 1) It's kind of annoying having to reassemble all those diapers after washing them. I tend to do it sitting on the couch while watching tv that I'd be watching anyway though, so it makes me feel like I'm doing something useful rather than just indulging in tv. 2) Since we bought adjustable ones that are supposed to fit her from birth to two years, they give her a huge bottom! Some of her clothes are pretty snug because I have to stuff in all that diaper! But we all get a good laugh at Maddie's Sweet Potato Queen parade outfit.

Until next time -

shannon

Doctor report

A quick update for those interested -

Doc was beyond thrilled, she was amazed at Maddie's weight gain. She went from the 5-10th percentile on weight to the 50th percentile in 35 days. She is 10lbs, 12oz. She actually asked me what changed with the feeding.

Maddie got several vaccinations. It was rough. She cried, but went back to sleep for the drive home. She's asleep now with the help of a little Tylenol - so if you're trying to call I might not hear because I have the ringer turned down.

She got a prescription for acid reflux medicine to help with all the spit up. We'll see how that goes.

I also had my post delivery follow up check-up. Thumbs up all around.

Ta-ta for now!